Deviant marshmallow peeps a fifth sign of the apocalypse


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Whose idea was it to take the perfect Easter candy and make them into…orange and green and blue THINGIES?

My mallow Americans, I ask you: do you plan to stand by idly why EVIL FORCES work to undermine OUR MOST SACRED TRADITIONS? DO YOU? Well, DO YOU???

NOT ME. I am taking a stand. There is ONLY ONE definition of a peep: either pink or yellow. Not green. Not blue. AND DEFINITELY NOT ORANGE. ORANGE candy has its OWN holiday, and that holiday is called HALLOWEEN THANKYOUVERYMUCH. By mixing up the colors, we are sliding into an unholy miscegenation. It say RIGHT THERE in Leviticus:

And every fluffy candy rife with refined sugar, whereunto any of them may be, whatsoever is blue or orange shall be unclean; and you shall not eat it.

That’s a rough translation.

God’s way is to respect the holiest of unions, that of yellow peeps in little soldierly rows, or, alternatively, pink peeps in little Gay Pride parade rows. Those are good enough for anybody.

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