So manly men will likely read this piece and wonder “God, what does this woman want, anyway? She’s so emotional, that’s why women can’t be in charge.” (But guy who goes on a killing spree because a girl wasn’t nice to him, totally an outlier among men. Until, you know, tomorrow when another one goes to a school to shoot women, or today when a domestic abuser kills his wife or child in a temper tantrum.)

This story last night broke me. Trigger warning for survivors: it’s bad.

It occurred to me yesterday that one reason USC’s terrible health service provider went along predating on young women is, that along with institutional indifference, women’s care sucks, period (also due to institutional indifference). Women do not expect good treatment, at least not enough, at doctors. Our breasts are ogled and groped as well as smashed because “science.” You just can’t diagnose anything about our girlie parts without ramming stuff into them, and that stuff needs to be cold metal or the size of a toilet plunger. If men had pelvic exams, there would be an app for that by now.

So it is a little hard to tell the difference between abuse and care when it comes to women, but there is nothing “natural” about it even if examinations are vital, and in the case of USC’s sadistic doc, the abuse is obvious. I don’t know how his colleagues kept from running him down in the parking lot.

My heart is broken.

Abuse continues, all along the line. Every time we go through this at USC , my emotions come into a jumble as I remember all the crap I’ve experienced over the years.

I feel like USC for me has been an endless cycle of this stuff, with this revelation at student health the most egregious.

Yes, I am still awake because I am still pissed. This is my life, on endless repeat.

ME: hey, let’s object to and fix this sucky thing that USC just did to women.

USC: do you really know it’s sucky? After all, it mightn’t not be sucky? We’re Men You Know and We Men Know. Can you PROOOOOOVE it’s sucky? After all, we dudes don’t see anything sucky with it. Innocent until proooooven guilty you know. We can’t be bothered to change our norms so if you don’t have Matlock/Perry Mason levels of courtroom proof that you should be treated differently, we should ignore this problem and get mad at you for bringing it up.

Me: Oh, FFS. Maybe join the 1960s or so? I know the 2010s is a big leap, but maybe push yourself past the 40s?

USC: Watch your tone, be civil, bleh bleh bleh

Me: Growls and returns to my West Adams lair, blogs passive aggressively.

USC does something sucky towards women.

ME: hey, let’s object to and fix this sucky thing that USC just did to women.

USC: do you really know it’s sucky? Can you prove it’s sucky? After all, what about the men? They might break if they are told not to do stupid shit that is obviously, painfully unprofessional? The burden of proof is on you, you know? And how are you using your research time these days, young lady?

ME: Shakes fist at sky, returns to lair.

USC does something sucky towards women.

ME: don’t….just don’t….don’t…..

USC: Can you come to a meeting with fully all the dudes on the faculty that have prompted just about all the complaints you have (unjustly) fielded over the years to discuss this so that all the dudes driving everybody nuts can decide what ought to be done about all the dudes driving everybody nuts?

ME: ENDLESS SCREAMING

So now I am being called to a meeting with the dudes, even though I am on a 9 month contract and this time is meant to be mine.

If I do not go, I let women down. If I do go, I will have to listen to men neither trained nor empathetic enough to know why the gyno doctor isn’t an “isolated problem.” Given a choice between hitting my head against that wall more and having one of my toes cut off with a bolt cutter, I would need to ask which toe.

Misogyny is endless. Endless.

(3…2…1….cue Twitter comments like “oh, I think your point would be heard so much better if you moderated your tone. You don’t want to be shrill…endless…endless…endless.